My Menstrual Cycle Is Obnoxious
Diarrhea and cramps? I hate it here.
I was 11 years old the first time I got my period and for more than 20 years I’ve had to bear cramps that range from uncomfortable to fetus-position-inducing painful. One would assume that the older you get the more equipped you become to handle the physical pain that visits you every month. Well, I’m not. For as long as I’ve had my menstrual cycle I’ve never been okay with the war on terror that takes place in my uterus.
And before the wretched red sea appears the period pimples, period beard and period emotions all make life unbearable. One day my chin is as smooth as a baby’s bottom and the next I’m Dumbledore frantically reaching for tweezers in hopes to remove the hairs that grew overnight. The period pimples are just as rude with their pus and persistence. I’m okay with the period boobs now that I think about it. Taking a jog can be a bit much while they’re so tender, however, filling out up top isn’t so bad. But how could I savor my voluptuousness when one minute I’m ready to take on the world and the next I’m having an emotional breakdown in front of my boss because of my deck and presentation?
For those of you who don’t have the luxury of bleeding every month for about five days (for some women it’s seven) you must understand what it’s like for your body to revolt against you. At best, your period can feel like a slow, leaky faucet, but the actual shedding of the uterine lining is often associated with stabbing, jabbing, punching, or crunching pain that causes deep, deep breaths. I’ve often questioned is this a cramp or a kidney stone?
One of the “benefits” to cramping during a quarantine is between meetings I can lay down for a bit when the pain is too much. If I were in the office my only outlet would be an intense focus accompanied by an excessive shaking of my leg beneath the desk.
I spoke with Menstrual Cycle Twitter and asked what techniques, if any, could I use to rid myself of the pain. Chamomile, ginger and or raspberry tea, heating pads, taking daily calcium supplements, eating pineapples, Maca pills, ditching dairy, CBD, swapping tampons in favor of a Diva Cup and a slew of other suggestions were brought to the forefront. Women from all over the Internet divulged the ways in which they’ve found success in dealing with their menstrual. However the overall suggestions were ways to manage the pain, not completely remove it.
While period cramps can be crippling the menstrual cycle itself is also deceptive.
After the first two or three days I’ve mentally accepted that this week just won’t be my week, however, Day Four comes around and I always assume the period police have taken pity on me via my seemingly dry pad. My friend and fellow writer Stacey-Ann brilliantly coined this day as “The Ghost Day.” After 20 years, I continuously assume Mother Nature has grown bored with my uterus and moved on to torment someone else only for my period to magically return and yell “Gotcha!”
If my period doesn’t fool me on Day Four it gets me with a period stain. Maybe it was a strong sneeze or a hearty laugh that caused it, either way if I don’t have the right sanitary protection spillage can be expected, which brings on a different kind of anxiety. The fear of a visible stain has caused me to tie a sweater around my waist or run to the nearest department store to buy a pair of leggings or jeans.
However, there are period stains and then there is thee period stain. This one usually occurs overnight and soils the back of my designated period panties, magically makes its way up my butt crack to my lower back inciting disbelief and ruining my sheets.
And then there’s me wondering how did this happen? What position was I sleeping in? Why didn’t my pad stop this? I got the one with the wings! Do I have time to strip the bed and do laundry before my meeting with sales?
This particular stain is the creme de la creme of period stains and no matter how experienced I am it always happens. The diarrhea is annoying, the bloating is frustrating and the headache and backaches are unnecessary. All of this just because a sperm didn’t fertilize an egg?
Let me speak to the manager.
